An Experiment in Radical Trust

Hello again friends!

I hope you are well. I’m entering your inboxes for the first time in a while, because I’m ready to come out with a secret I’ve been holding. 

Before I tell you — Have you ever struggled with how to share your needs in your relationships?  Do you unconsciously assume, as I have, that needing something will either repel people, bring you into some dynamic of subservience or obligation, or be met with pity or rescuing? 

I thought I was an open book until I realized that I’ve been holding onto my needs like secrets. 

So here’s my secret, I need something. 

You don’t have to be the one to give it to me, but if I don’t share it, this need may never get met. 

At the time of writing this message, I have $39.81 to my name and no idea where more money will come from.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious both about this fact, and about sharing it.  But I'm also, in many ways, more comfortable and free inside myself than I have ever been — and I want to talk to you about why.

I live by myself in a beautiful apartment, eat mostly organic local food, own a car, and frequently make small donations to people and causes that move me.  And despite not knowing where my next paycheck will come from, I have no plan to downsize, get a roommate, or a part time job just to pay the bills. 

In my previous chapter in New Orleans, I built a thriving business from scratch. I trusted that I would do it again — this time with a bigger vision.  I came to Philly eleven months ago to live the life that makes me feel most alive and to do the work that ignites my greatest passion. I knew supporting people’s personal development was my path (one I’ve been pursuing for well over a decade), but I didn’t know exactly how I would use my skills and passion to make money.

So far I’ve discovered — through the joy and satisfaction it brings — that coaching is what I most want to contribute right now.  I’ve also found great friends, inspired community groups, gorgeous hiking trails, and beautiful gardens — all of which provide me with nourishment in different forms.  

The year has also brought many sleepless nights as I’ve encountered deeper layers of self-doubt and anxiety about money.  Yet with each round of meeting my shadows so far, I’ve come through more passionately trusting life and my own heart than before.  

I’ve considered, of course, that getting a part time job — anything to pay the bills until I get my business off the ground — would be a smart course of action. And I’ve tried to push ideas to fruition so I could sell them in a hurry. But there’s been no sustainable inner fuel for those routes, and each time I’ve tried to create money in those ways the wiser, truer place within me has said there’s a better way. 

Deep down in my bones I feel a knowing that we are not meant to struggle, strive, or sacrifice. That just like the rest of nature, we too are made to give our unique and precious gifts to our ecosystems and receive all that we need and more in return. 

Believe me, I’ve thought what you might be thinking:  But we live under late-stage capitalism!  Trump’s policies are wreaking havoc on the environment and economy.  They’re destroying the last of the flimsy safety nets we had. We’re facing the real possibility of a fascist dictatorship  — Things are going to get so much worse!   

But my soul keeps telling me that I’m here to rediscover that abundance and reciprocity are how it can work — even now with all the horrors of our current world — and how it must, once again, if we are going to save ourselves and the planet. 

So I keep living this experiment — gratefully eating this delicious salad of the heirloom tomatoes and crispy cucumbers I got in exchange for some volunteer work and typing this letter while I admire the evening light on the trees and receive supportive texts from friends — doing my best to make choices aligned with the soul-level knowing that healing myself so my inherent gifts can shine out, unmasked by any ideas of wrongness or lack, is is the path of greatest reward.  

I clearly haven’t cracked the code to full abundance yet, but at this point I feel much more grounded in my higher self and not so afraid of not having money in my bank account. 

Here’s some of what I’ve been learning through this 11 month experiment:

~ There is enough!  

So far, I have been able to pay every bill (rent, utilities, health insurance, my credit card) on time!  I’ve continued to eat well, and maintain my car (which has needed four new tires, brakes, rotors, and wheel bearings) at the local mechanic. The bases have been covered!

This has happened through many money miracles. Some have been just-in-time payments from my small but growing number of paid coaching clients.  Some have been a complete surprise, like the IRS tax refund deposit that was more than twice what I was told to expect!  And many have taken the form of gifts and small loans from friends and family.

I recognize that claiming there is enough may bring up skepticism and anger for some of you. Yes, there are many people on the planet — very acutely right now in Gaza and Sudan and also more than a few right here in my own neighborhood — who do not have enough. Part of the journey this year has been to more deeply internalize that telling myself that there is not enough for me, when that is not the current context of my personal life, does nothing to help people who are facing that lack.  In fact, the more I feel grounded in a sense of enoughness, the more I find myself able to give from a place of genuine generosity.

~ Need is an essential part of the equation

This has been the most life-altering realization for me so far — and it’s still at the edge of my full understanding.  Writing this is really an attempt to see if it will become the embodied knowing of lived experience.  

I’ve been open with many people about how little money I’ve had for much of this year, but I didn’t realize how much I was still holding my need inside myself, not allowing it to be felt by others, until recently. 

Last month, on the day my credit card bill was due, I was $80 short. Thankfully, I was visiting a friend I knew I could share my situation with.  My need felt so strong in the moment that I knew I had to share it, but in her presence I also knew that this need did not diminish my value at all. 

Instead of pity or distance, something lit up between us.  She hired me as her coach and paid for six weekly sessions upfront. That work has been deeply rewarding for both of us.

It seems I’m discovering that, just like the mutual giving/receiving of bees and flowers, when I let myself be seen — in both my gifts and my needs — I co-create the kind of reciprocity nature thrives on!

So I write this to you as a continuation of this wild experiment I’m living — to see what happens when I let my need be known widely and if it might connect me with more people who also need the exact thing that I have to give. 

This is not a plea for work or donations given out of fear or sympathy.  Nor is it a suggestion that anyone else should quit their jobs or stop saving money.  If reading this inspires you to live in greater alignment with your inner knowing or trust in the relational beauty of your needs, I’m so pleased!  

And if you want to experience the kind of support I offer, or share this message with someone who might, I would love that too!  (You can find out more about my coaching offering here and reach out to me using this contact form to schedule a free session.)

With love and trust,

Hannah

PS - If you’re curious what the friend who hired me last month, deanna, and others are saying about working with me, you can find out here.